Malaysian artist Lim Zhi Wei adorns her watercolors entitled “ Flowergirls” with real flowers, to a stunning effect.
How are people so creative and artsy, and how can I be them
How to Handwash (Seen in a bathroom in NYC, with my commentary added.)
Step 0: Wet hands with water;
(Step 0?! Step fucking zero? are you kidding?!)
Step 1: Apply enough soap to cover all hand surfaces;
(I don’t know, do you think covering the entire surface area of my hand is enough? maybe I should use the whole container just to be safe.)
Step 2: Rub hands palm to palm;
(Makes sense, but why does each step end with a semicolon?)
Step 3: Right palm over left dorsum with interlaced fingers and vice versa;
(dorsum?! wtf is a dorsum (I had to look it up) it almost means the back of your hand. why couldn’t you just fucking say the back of your hand?!)
Step 4: Palm to palm with fingers interlaced;
(Are we playing “here is the church, here is the steeple” now?)
Step 5: Backs of fingers to opposing palms with fingers interlocked;
(you can not thumb wrestle yourself, stop playing and get out of the bathroom.)
Step 6: Rotational rubbing of left thumb clasped in right palm and vice versa;
(I’m starting to think this is actually teaching you to talk dirty in sign language instead of wash your hands.)
Step 7: Rotational rubbing, backwards and forwards with clasped fingers of right hand in left palm and vice versa;
(I think this is the sign for “let’s give each other rim jobs”)
Step 8: Rinse hands with water;
(better wash out your filthy whore mouth too after everything you just signed.)
Step 9: Dry hands throughly with a single use towel;
(cause fuck the environment, that’s why.)
Step 10: Use towel to turn off faucet;
(what they hell did you do in the bathroom that you got your hands THIS dirty anyway?)
Step 11: Your hands are now safe.
(unless you know karate, in which case they’re still lethal weapons.)
Duration of the entire procedure: 40-60 seconds
(unless you read these directions, then it’s about 15 minutes. and why the hell would you bother posting 12 steps (and there are 12, you’re not fooling anyone by starting with zero) when you start by saying you only have to wash your hands when they’re visibly soiled?!)
Brought to you by the fine folks at the World Health Organization.
We lost Frankie today. She could be a stubborn, spiteful, little curmudgeon, but could also be the sweetest, funniest, ball of love you’ve ever seen. I’m left a heart-broken mess.